wordless wednesday: what do i do all day?

This was Tuesday.

friday forte: SAHM, the myth vs reality

contemplating the reality fun that is The Toilet

It has come to my attention that some of you gentle readers may not fully understand what the life of a SAHM is actually like, with some myths and confusion muddying your minds.
Fear not - I can dispel these untruths and make all clear again. Read on!

Myth no. 1: being a SAHM is a complete luxury
Reality: No, the real luxury is being able to survive on one income and not have to go out to earn extra thus being available to parent and housekeep. There's not much about what a SAHM does that could be seen as luxurious living.


educate, dammit!

Myth no. 2: you are a waste of your education
Reality: True enough. I don't think there is anywhere in the world where you can get a certificate, let alone a higher degree, in de-crusting a toilet. My PhD, BVM&S, school diplomas, music certificates, Girl Guide badges, etc are of no practical use for the tedium of running a household but they do come in handy for inspiring my child who is the real reason why I am currently at home 24/7.

Myth no. 3: SAHMs have it easy and have nothing to complain about
Reality: I guess I hung up my right to hold opinions at the door when I put on my pinny then? Or if I do hold opinions on my world then I should keep them to myself? OK so my world has contracted sharply and is maybe more focused on child rearing and housework than someone with outside aka salaried/non-child interests but it doesn't mean that I should put up or shut up.


luxurious poolside living, earning some pin money during the Wee Guy's swim lesson

Myth no. 4: SAHMs are 'kept women'
Reality: Yes, I'm being 'kept' by my husband,  the breadwinner who also pays for the living expenses of his other leeches offspring too. What he does not pay for is housekeeping, childcare, prepared dinners, delivery services, sex, after-school care, a personal assistant, counseling, accountancy services, domestic services, laundry, a concierge, a gardener, .... and so on. I do all this 'voluntarily'.... or 'in return for my keep' ....... sheeesh!



new shoes: what else is a mall for?
Myth no. 5: Isn't it just one long round of coffee with the girls, shopping sprees and gazing at the pool boy?
Reality: (we don't have a pool) If I wasn't also responsible for the family budget maybe I would fritter away more time in coffee shops .... in reality other mummies are dealing with their home responsibilities or grabbing some peace and quiet while the kids are out at school. Housework does take some time (all day if you're bored) but mostly I'm working on my own projects while in the house by myself. It's my way of staying sane among the tedium (and making some pin money).

Myth no.6: Must be nice to have the house to yourself all day, easy to potter about doing the housework and relaxing.
Reality: Firstly may I state that I usually do not do my housework during the week while everyone is out. Why should I give my son the illusion that housework is done mysteriously with no sweat or toil and not by himself. It's like saying that the brownies will do it all for you? I pity the poor girl who ends up with him if that's what he ends up believing! I also firmly believe in making sure my husband is not totally clueless about domestic matters either! Secondly, I don't usually relax. OK I took a week off  but that was Unusual. I work ... on my own business, not family housework stuff! Thirdly having the house to myself means that some days I don't see another living being from school drop off to afternoon pick up, and then my only conversation is with a 7 year old. Very relaxing.


just about got the hang of this housework thing

Myth no. 7: Don't you just sit around painting your toe nails all day?
Reality: Hmmmm ... I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer, cretin!

Myth no. 8: It's a cushy old life!
Reality: Absolutely! For being a kept woman, relying totally on my husband and staying home with the kid I'm not losing out at all re: career, pension or future earning potential. All the skills I'm building up while staying at home will be totally meaningless when/if I do get out into the job market to resume a career so I probably will end up dead-heading dahlias into my dotage.Oh yes, I can keep the economy afloat by volunteering ...... hoo bloody ray. I feel so worthy.


Myth no. 9: You must have oodles of quality time with your child(ren)/family
Reality: We live together - we don't need to artificially schedule "nice times" with each other. We interact, warts and all - it's called being a family.

Myth no 10:  SAHMs should be totally devoted to their children and family, to the exclusion of all else. After all it's a choice that they've made so they should live with it.
Reality: I'm tempted to call in answer no. 7 to this one or direct you to no. 3 above. All I can say is that this statement most commonly comes out of the mouths of other women, either "working" mothers or those who are childless "career women", and it's usually meant as a complete put-down when they discover that SAHMs are active in so many other areas than just "kinder, kirche, kuche". Somehow a SAHM is meant to function within the small realm of home, husband and child and, wait for it, be satisfied! The implication is that, since many have made the choice to 'withdraw' from the 'world of work' then they should be happy with their lot. Bull.shit. Some have no choice in the face of inadequate childcare or have done the maths and realise that pouring money into contracting out the parenting makes poor economic sense for the family. For others, a chosen career does not fit in with the rigours (yes, you heard me - it's hard work) of raising a family so returning to the career world is either delayed or regretfully shelved. Many strongly believe in raising their own child in an age-appropriate way, which often means being there as a parent when the child needs them. Sadly (and this might be news) society still doesn't value raising a family which, in translation, means that it is darned difficult to be on an almost-equal footing with the childless working population. Whatever the choice (or lack of) expecting a SAHM to forsake everything else just because she is at home all day is as bat shit crazy as expecting 'working' people not to run errands during a lunch hour or pick up groceries on the way home from 'work' or even not do any 'work' over a weekend or perhaps (gasp) not blog (yes, inspired by the old "if you're blogging you must be neglecting your child" chestnut). SAHM hours and work location are poorly defined at the best of times without imposing extra workplace practices from an uninformed viewpoint. Sure, I'm here for my child when he needs me but sometimes he doesn't want anything to do with me, playing quietly by himself (self-directed) or working on some solo project (developing his concentration). Likewise, running a household cannot/should not be done in isolation of childcare so I do the domestic stuff while he is around too (gasp. neglect, neglect!). In translation, there are times during the day when I don't need to be ironing gussets, pretending to be a spaceman, cooking, cleaning, wiping, tidying, whoring, titivating/titillating, adding, subtracting, provisioning ...... and I don't just go into stand-by mode, sometimes I do indeed blog! As I've explained, I consider it important that a child knows that housework is not done by a  mysterious sect of little people, that parenting is important, that parents regardless of employment status are people too, and that being the stay-at-home is not all fun fun and coffee mornings as exemplified in myths 1 - 10 above.

PS: I can paint my toenails and do the housework - multitasking = easy peasy

friday forte: normal service

on display, originally uploaded by ebbandflo_pomomama.

Ugh!
Apologies for yesterday's post. It really was "one of those days" and I am so annoyed (annoyed) with myself for letting it get to me. In essence, nothing really dreadful happened but an accumulation of little niggly things finally reached critical mass ...

Anyways, my thoughts last night were churning around and mulling over why exactly I'm trying to Do All Of This. Why am I going back to college part time? Why do I keep on crafting and making stuff? Why do I volunteer? Why do I fill my days when I have no direct parenting to do and the housework is long done (cough - or ignored)? Why do I keep myself sooooo busy that every day is an essay in prioritising? What exactly is the point of doing all of this when it feels like my feet are running in mid air, I'm not making any money, and it makes me stressed? Why? What am I aiming for?

Today was a Pro D day.
The Wee Guy was in childcare cos I thought I would be teaching a wire crochet class in town (I wasn't).
I had homework to do, website writing to plan, marketing, creating, reading .... same as any other day but I did nothing (or as near to nothing as possible).

After dropping off Wee Guy and mr ebb, I called in at City Hall to photograph the Blackberry Artists display (see above). Each month the exhibition is changed out so I try to capture some images for the blog. I'm really pleased with the way the vignette app for Android captures such charming images. This new array of four is a recent 'find'.

Then I paid my business license for the year (it gives me advertising at City Hall among other perks).
I cleaned out mrs pig's floor pen (she was happy).
I printed out some work for the college course and sent off the files to other members of the group project. Even as a part timer, I can contribute.

Then I called in at Tri Cities Family Place to collect the diaries for the newsletter I send out each month. I stayed chatting with Christine for almost three hours .. three hours! It was an absolute tonic. Christine has known me since I arrived in Port Moody. She wrote a reference for my college application. She is full of really great practical advice about parenting and children. She makes my heart sing and my brain engage. She makes me feel that I'm making a difference, that my contributions are valuable. She makes me feel that what I'm doing is worthwhile and possible.

I paid in a cheque at the bank; picked up some dishwasher detergent at Costco; I drove home and finished sewing a cardigan together (am wearing it now).

Pizza.

So - what is the point of what I'm doing?
I'm trying to craft a meaningful life for myself - something that makes sense and helps me fulfill my roles as wife and mother. I'm not approaching it by conventional means and the end result ie. employment, will not be a job in the conventional 9-5 sense. I don't have a map or a plan showing me how to get to what I'm aiming for. I don't even have the guide book to tell me it'll be worthwhile when I get there. Heck, I don't even know if 'there' exists!

There is no single role model in my life who is forging the same path that I can follow along, but there are many, many strong women I am honoured to know, who each give me an idea of how to go forward, how to keep on going forward. Thank you.

i'd like to give each and every one of you who responded to yesterday's post, on Facebook and here on Blogger, a huge hug. thank you for your kind and beautiful comments, and support. i hope one day to deliver the hug and my thanks in person :)

what do i do all day: the Friday forte edition

Continuing with the "what do i do all day" theme running this week and cunningly linking into the friday forte nature of Friday's blog posts AND with an eye to taking part in Amber's April Crafting My Life link up, this week = taking a break.
Yes, today I took a break (which is why this blog post is coming out on Saturday!).


The day started frostily, with a layer of frozen hail on the roof and a migraine threatening some heavy action. But outside, oh boy, the sun was in full shine! A shame to miss it. After delivering the Wee Guy to school I packed up the car and headed for the hills. Bollocks to all the inventory and workshop prep, one finger salute to the housework and a big fat raspberry at the taxes!


I was not disappointed. The view down The Cut stretched for miles, the snow was immaculate and the crowds only got heavier later in the morning. Bliss! I am pretty certain I was the oldest "shred betty" on the hill but I wasn't the oldest person out riding.

.. and this is one damned fine way to silence the negative voices, the doubt, the nippy sweety biting at your confidence. When I'm out snowboarding (and I'm pretty good at it - two CASI certificates and level II CADS snowboarding) I focus completely on the snow. I look ahead for each bump, each turn in the trail, for changing snow conditions and ice, and stay aware of others around me. It's a great way of clearing the mind and quieting the voice. There are also the mountains to look up to. Although I'm not a religious person these words "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help ..."* seem so appropriate when in the mountains. There is something elevating in the simple act of lifting up your head to look upwards, elevating in terms of mood and spirit. Instead of being downcast and hanging your head, the mere presence and draw of those snow-capped peaks raises the eyes and makes me happy.

Exercise is also a great mood-enhancer. Exercise boosts endorphin release and banishes stress hormone cortisol. Exercise induces release of pituitary growth hormone, useful for anabolic repair and tissue well-being. Exercise is a good guy. Exercise outdoors is even better IMO, and outdoors on snow, mildly out of breath has been a great mood enhancer for me.

Exercise - must do more of it (especially the snowboarding!)

PS: * Psalm 121, from the King James version
PPS: lifting your eyes up also deals with that embryonic double chin-in-waiting

friday forte: so what's the real reason?

of course, this is what it's all about!
 
Soooooo ...... I didn't get the job. I got some great interview feedback (good performance, someone else with more experience was first choice) but not the job offer. Part of me is mightily relieved I won't be scrambling around for childcare and getting my brain back into gear, but a part of me is also quietly sad that I'm not relaunching into the fully adult, status-laden world of Real Employment.

Soooooo ...... what next?
What next indeed!
I really really really need to do something. My byline "in, around and in spite of the family in an effort to stay sane" is not totally in jest, and I suspect I'm not the only SAHM going quietly nuts with a mostly unfulfilling world around her. Don't get me wrong - I love being a mum, I'm very grateful I don't have to go out to earn the almighty dollar, it is very convenient being able to stay home and not need to contract out my parenting ...... but ......

Valerie Whiffen sums it up most eloquently in her book "A Secret Sadness: The Relationship Patterns That Make Women Depressed" when she talks about how unrewarding women's gender roles in society really are.

"It's hard for a woman to judge when she has done enough as a wife and mother. Most jobs have tangible outcomes: projects that need to be completed by a certain time, piles of paper to move from the in-box to the out-box, customers to be served, letters to be processed, or files to be closed. Seeing those outcomes gives us a sense of accomplishment. We can remember how big that pile on our desk was and feel good about getting through it. However, the achievements associated with the female gender role are fleeting: meals that take an hour to make take ten minutes to eat; clean houses are instantly untidy when children come home from school; clothes are dirty again after being worn once. The work associated with the female gender role is never really finished. As soon as one task is completed, another pops up to take its place......... The never-ending nature of the work may add to a woman's feeling that she can't do enough."

She continues, commenting that the larger outcomes i.e. parenting goals, reaching adulthood, aren't that frequent or visible short term which, in a nutshell, is what's really 'doing my head in' right now. The value I add to family life is in terms of hygiene, nutrition and childcare - all covered by the female gender role I took on when I agreed to be the stay-at-home parent. Although the work is full time (and a half, I might add) and therefore theoretically no different in terms of hours/obligations than my previous salaried life, it is profoundly lacking in any kind of meaningful feedback or sense of achievement. pomo mama design, my fledgling business, does provide some kind of creative outlet and sense of accomplishment, but it is most definitely on a back-burner with family issues coming first. Financially it would be difficult to justify spending any more time on it than I already do since it contributes very little to the household economy.

In other words, for me there has to be a 'something next'. I do need the distraction of a task or project to carry me through what is in fact a very frustrating and unsettling period of my life in which I feel of only basic value to those around me. In the past, pre-emigration, I was full-time employed - something which was a welcome relief from personal issues. Now I don't have that escape and I really do crave some kind of passion to carry me through the day-to-day, something which will make me feel valued, accomplished, intelligent and capable.  I need something to take my mind off the daily grind of thinking about how much crap is in my life currently and stop it from coming back into my parenting. I would like to succeed at something rather than continue in mediocrity as a wife and a mother. I really would like to silence the little voice that is with me constantly, constructing scenarios in which I vanquish all my domestic problems. I would like to be noticed and I would like to make a difference.

But, what to do, what to do? It is something that only I can do for myself. And it's something I really need to do for myself.

I feel like I'm poised for lift-off but not quite sure of the map yet.

midlife monday: the unrelenting tedium of it all

what do i do all day: clearing out the cellar, originally uploaded by ebbandflo_pomomama.

Don't let anyone fool you into believing staying at home is a mystical, magical and fulfilling occupation. It isn't. It is filled with long stretches of profound boredom interspersed with ho-hum. It's the kind of boredom that begs to be filled with busy-ness projects to make you feel like you are actually doing something ... until you stop and realise that your busy-ness lacks purpose and only exists to fill in the time yawning out in front of you. Betty Friedan describes it quite accurately in The Feminine Mystique, explaining that housework will always expand to fit and overspill whatever time there is available. It's the nature of unrelentingly tedious menial tasks, such as housework. The feeling of success or achievement in this occupation is fleeting and indeed mostly absent despite its obligatory nature. There is no reward for getting through the list; there is no personal satisfaction. The only thankfulness comes from others who sigh with relief that they haven't had to do it themselves and that it doesn't intrude on their relaxation leisure hours.

The only get-around it all is to convince yourself that the task at hand is mystical, magical and vital, and that only you can do it, and therefore you do have status. Sadly the realisation of it all being an illusion is too painful to cope with, so yet another busy-ness project is born.

So, while I do have a million-and-one things which need doing around the house, I really have no enthusiasm to do them because, in the long run, finishing them will make very little difference to my own day-to-day and I'm only adding them to my list to keep myself feeling busy and thus disguise the fact that what I do is actually not particularly meaningful at all.

Friday forte: so what now?

So what now? What does all this "friday forte" stuff really mean?
This is not a cry for help or for commiseration.
It's not seeking sympathy or pointing accusing fingers (though I really do rant on a lot about it).
It's not begging for solutions though I love your comments. They are thoughtful and insightful and supportive. Although no one can tell me what to do, the mere fact that you are dropping by to leave your mark is a great boost to me. Thank you.
No, this is me choosing to publicly (well as publicly as you can get with a blog readership of 28) describe what I'm going through right now. These posts are what is happening inside my head as I try to justify and make sense of the way I feel right now at this point in my life. It's not pretty and it's quite scrappy; to be completely honest I would rather not be having to do this.
Simply put, I am trying to move thru all of this emotional and other baggage to get out on the other side. I'm trying to discover how I should make my way thru the rest of my life, with enthusiasm and passion and confidence abounding to pass onto the Wee Guy. It's something I really do need to work out for myself - I've done it before, possibly more painfully, and arrived on a good path to take ... and it's been all my own work ..... which I've been more at ease with eventually than with someone else's solution. Where do I go now?
One of the most influential books in my life has been Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living which I got my hands on (and no doubt extra worries) when my husband moved in with his vast eclectic library of self help books (ranging from writing a resume to the tao of sex!). The main thing I learned from Dale was that I should name and prioritise my worries before facing them. It still works for me hence the blogging about it.
So far I've faced and 'beaten down' image (new hairstyle, and revamped wardrobe), adding a little spring in my step. I've tackled what I need to do every day by timetabling/prioritising, and tried to paste in a little 'me' time once in a while. Following some seriously depressing online counseling I've made more effort to widen my circle; as an avowed hermit this is not easy. I've stepped up the exercise. I've also identified what was stopping me in my tracks and boosted my babysitting options. My home business is benefiting.
Spring is bursting in on the scene and with all that I've achieved so far, I'm feeling very optimistic. On reflection and in hindsight, maybe I should have planned the motherhood thing and mid life crisis not to happen at exactly the same time, but with efficiency I can knock two birds on the head at once! Still on the drawing board are the biggies; career/employment/further education, business planning for pomo mama design, family life/relationships/parenting (an ongoing work of art!), my dreams. Stay tuned!

forte!
More Friday forte posts here

nobody knows .....

clutch of nose rings, freshly picked (!) from the tumbler

or do they?

Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but I'm noticing a lot more discussion about Life Outside of Parenting in mummyland. My twitterverse is seeing the subject a lot more, and blog posts (including mine) debate the matter daily. Even a phone conversation yesterday had me musing on whther stay-at-home parenting should be All There Is in life right now, or is it right to want/expect more? Am I being selfish or realistic in trying to forge a life aside from mothering? Is my wish for a some financial independance getting in the way of delivering domestic duties? What long-term and short-term effects will it have on the Wee Guy? What should I realistically expect from life as a mum?

In some ways I am already forging ahead with some quasi-independance - my fledgling craft business runs in, around (and in spite of) the family and has been relatively self-supporting for two years. But it's hardly going to pay the bills. Recently I sat down and crunched some numbers to calculate what I needed to earn to support my family. However, this was calculated for a working week of 40 hours ie. 5 days of 8 hours each. Currently my available working hours are just 2.5 hours per day. When the Wee Guy starts Grade One, my working day will only double since school hours are at best part-time! ..... and these are just my working hours for paid employment. Women still shoulder the majority of domestic and household duties so I could expect to continue with my unpaid position without respite.

So what do I realistically expect to achieve? I was the 'trailing spouse' on an international job relocation before I became a mother so why do I find my current job ie. SAHM, more frustrating, ungratifying, and repetitvely dull with very little feedback and insane work hours? I know women who revel in exactly the same conditions. Am I missing something? or why do I yearn for something more?

I'm still searching for the answers. So far I know that I am missing the measure of security that financial independance brings. I truly miss interacting with others in a working environment outside the home. I am finding it very difficult dealing with the loss of identity that being the unsalaried spouse who stays at home entails. It's very difficult to stay confident in one's abilities when there is no feedback from the mounds of laundry, the dusting, housework, cooking, grocery shopping, continual discipline issues and child wrangling that comprise a normal Day In The Life. Like a lot of modern day older mums, I've experienced the career path and been in charge of my own bank account. Having a child was a very conscious decision, its ramifications as fully explored as a childless person could and I'm still not regretting it one bit.

But, to paraphrase Monty Python, nobody expected the complete loss of self that comes with staying at home to look after your family.

At the beginning of the week I got an email telling me that my self portrait has been chosen for inclusion in the We Feel Fine book. I'm thrilled to be noticed, but as you can see from the accompanying blog entry, nothing has really changed in my life in the last 18 months! Add this to a couple of major let-downs plus a chronically ongoing disappointment and you can see why I'm currently at a "Is this all there is?" moment!

friday forte: so what is it all about then?

friday forte: in which i blog about my midlife crisis and you read about it, dammit!


Tum te tum. So what have we covered so far?
Well, we've been thru looks, appearance and wardrobe (still working on wardrobe, apart from the shoes).
I've muttered on about childcare solutions and failures.
I've hinted at relationship woes and successes.
We've covered finances, ageing and dabbled in pregnancy matters via events around mother's day.

What's left?
There's an awful lot left (she says menacingly, looking daggers at anyone who dares to check a watch or try to leave early).
My career, godammit! *growls*

To be completely honest I put the career on hold when we emigrated to Canada in late 2001 (my choice). Once we got here the lure of part-time work at the weekends was, meh, not that enticing (poorly paid, not in my field of interest) so we recklessly spent our free time exploring our new home. Instead of paid employment I volunteered while mr. ebb was at work in The Big City. I helped coordinate continuing education for local veterinary surgeons (yes, I built that website too!) and kept up with my own professional development in return. I taught adaptive snowboarding on a local mountain and gained both CASI and CADS (level II) teaching certificates as a result. And I virtually lived at Vancouver Aquarium with its incredible volunteer program - I taught marine mammal biology to schoolkids, transcribed interviews for a book, dabbled in graphic design, helped cover the news desk, got dirty and smelly at seal rehab (during the first icky trimester of pregnancy nonetheless), and brushed up my admin skills in the volunteer office. (I was busy). I gained my Bronze Fish pin in my first year there.

So I got pregnant too; a sort of traditional posted overseas, expat, trailing spouse kind of thing to do. It made sense - my eggs weren't getting any younger, indeed they were probably frying as we debated, and when would we get the time to pursue fertility like this again?

The Wee Guy arrived, we became parents and I became a fulltime SAHM .... and mostly it wasn't too frightening. I did what my mother had done for me - I stayed at home while the Wee Guy did his infancy growing up thing.

He's now in school full time - he still needs me to be around, but I now have this chunk of childless time in the middle of the day, not really long enough to do anything out-of-the-home constructive with but long enough to make me wonder, "what the heck am i doing now?"

.... which is the crux of my question. What exactly am I doing here now? What should I be doing? Where should I be doing it?

I'm over the 'it being a complete luxury' to stay at home - we don't need two incomes so far, end of discussion. We only have one child, one car and few expensive tastes (shoes don't count - I get most of them at thrift). Should I feel guilty for being at home 24/7?* Should I feel guilty at wanting to resume some kind of career? Should I feel guilty for 'wasting' my education? How many shoes is too many?

But, what about security, financial security, job security and all that jazz? I am financially dependent on my husband, for today, tomorrow and into retirement now. My job skills are not current - if he loses his job it is unlikely that I can just pick something up to keep us afloat. And what about retirement? - he now has to think in terms of a pension for two ........and all of this because we chose to raise a family and have a parent at home for the child we are raising.

I would like (and it may be lala cloud cuckoo fantasy land in reality) to work out something which would remove so much of the burden from my husband, which would allow me to contribute to the household budget in a meaningful way ie. not just pouring it into childcare, which would provide a satisfying out-of-the-home life for me, but still allow us to parent our child in the way we choose to.
Is this too much to ask? And what exactly am I asking for anyway? What exactly am I prepared to give up in return? Do I have to give up the SAHM-deal in return for the kind of career/financial/not-just-a-mum existence I'm envisioning? Will the extra work be worth it all?

Yes, I know - back to the gin and the Valium! Thanks for reading :))




forte!

* Hell, no!

friday forte: calm before the calm?

My grin is as big as the cheshire cat's right now. I feel like I've been working flat out for the last six months on 'my artistic endeavours' (and I have) and now it's all completed (at least for the time being).

(ahem) My roll call;

• five christmas craft fairs, three bricks and mortars, plus three gallery pieces
• the family christmas plus visitors
• successful college application with two courses in the winter semester
• three gallery shows, including my own first solo show
• wire crochet classes taught
• volunteer work blogging and newsletter
• Spring Break and numerous school Pro D days survived (him and me)

I've learned that I can produce inventory and be creative. I know that I can fit my work in and around my family commitments. I can now call myself a mixed media artist (though it does sound extremely odd). I know I can do homework! and that my brain hasn't atrophied completely in the last ten years. My business is now supporting my 'back to school' endeavour and also contributing to the household budget.

What has worked? - analysing the work that I do and preparing a monthly schedule to run alongside some daily/weekly time management, meal planning for an entire month (has helped with budgeting too), after-school care two days a week plus playdates, insisting on sharing the housework, and keeping the to-do list realistic by prioritising tasks. Learning to live with more dust bunnies and less than pristine toilets is a must; scheduling housework into limited chunks of the day is essential if you work from home, otherwise the temptation to do a little here and a little there sersiouly eats into your work time. Be ruthless! Just because you're home all day doesn't mean the house will be spotless, but it does mean that odd tasks can be done while the kettle is boiling.

What hasn't worked? 
Well, I haven't kept up with any form of regular exercise. I need to schedule this; likewise keeping up with friends. I had every good intention of building relaxation, self care, etc into my schedule but it just didn't happen. Although I rarely felt completely overwhelmed as in the past, I did feel a constant sense of urgency and looming deadlines which kept me working just about every spare minute. This meant I rarely relaxed in the evenings. Cue insomnia. I did take 'time off' over Christmas - I had visitors, and while it was lovely to see them it did mean that I fell right off track productivity-wise and had to scramble in the New Year. Rather than forbid visitors in the future I need to either plan a day off from being on holiday to keep things ticking over, or clear my desk completely. Ditto trying to work with the Wee Guy at home - it just doesn't happen and it's not fair to either of us. I need to clear my projects so I can focus on him when he's around rather than try to do two things at once (and fail miserably).

Oh, and I hated commuting to college until I learned to download podcasts for the journey. Otherwise it seemed a big waste of time.

What Next?
I'm going to learn how to be less busy. This will be a huge task in itself. Other than that I have some creative projects I'm keen to start, a website redevelopment which was half-started in the Fall, volunteer work is ongoing, I'm taking only one course this semester, and I'd like to maintain the skills I learned in my first semester at college.
I've proven to myself that I can work on my own, and I can achieve a degree of financial independance - now I'd like to find out if I am employable after almost ten years of unemployment.
Maybe that's my next big project?

the real shout-out Sunday post: the Crafting my Life Course

This is the real shout out for the weekend, a plug for the marvellous Amber's "Crafting my Life" course which will be running again at the beginning of May.
Since it's the weekend (and a day of rest cough cough) I'll let Amber do the talking for herself (yes, I did ask permission) cos she does it so much better than I can.
Please read on, follow the links, and most importantly sign up.
Dragon slaying is the new black (and it suits you so well).


An Update on the Crafting my Life Course: "

It’s Thursday, so I’m Crafting my Life! For 2011, I have ditched the themes and link-ups. Instead, I am just going to write what I’m thinking about this week. And if you would like to chime in and contribute a guest post about your own journey, please drop me a line – I’d love to have you!

As you may know, I am running an online class for moms all about living with intention. It got its name, Crafting my Life, from this blog series, in fact. The first session began in mid-January, and we are about two thirds of the way through right now. We’ve just finished talking about slaying our dragons, and we’ll be talking about managing our money next week. It’s big, important stuff.

I have to say that I’m enjoying the class immensely. 26 students registered, and we’ve been connecting in our online community. Having a front-row seat as other people make big changes in their lives is probably the most inspiring thing I’ve ever done. I was really nervous that no one would sign up, the class would be a total flop and I would face humiliation and ridicule. The pesky voice inside my head promised me that’s exactly what would happen, in fact. Thankfully, it was wrong. Life just isn’t as all-or-nothing as the pesky voice believes.

It’s been a little surreal to take on a teaching role, but I kind of love it. It really is an excellent fit with my Type A, oldest child, always-has-to-be-in-control personality. But it’s so much better because I’m not just teaching, I’m learning, too. I really feel like we are all on a journey together, and it’s pretty great. I am enjoying it so much that I have decided to do it all again. Crafting my Life 2.0 will launch on May 9.

Just like the first run, the second run will include weekly emails, play sheets, videos and audio interviews, and missions for you to accomplish. You will work at home, at your own pace, and in your own time. You can do it with children hanging off of you, or in that most precious of time after your children go to sleep or before they wake up. You can do it all by yourself, or you can enlist your family and friends to help you out. It’s up to you, because this is your life that you’re creating, not anyone else’s.

If this sounds like your thing, drop by Crafting my Life to see what’s happening. To really stay in the loop, though, you should subscribe to the Crafting my Life email list. Not only will you be the first to hear what’s happening, but you’ll get access to special, advanced pricing and more.

Thank you for allowing me to engage in some shameless self-promotion (which, incidentally, is something else we’ll be talking about in the class). Now that I’ve let you know what’s up with me, I’d like to hear what’s up with you. What are you working on right now? What’s on your mind, what are you learning about, and what are you dreaming about? Whatever you’ve got cooking, I hope you’ll share in the comments!

"

(almost a) what i learned in may (post)

portrait by the Wee Guy on our day out

So, May 2010. What did I learn?
Well, I took a week off work and suprisingly, it wasn't all about shoes though they did figure large in in my end-of-week summary!
So what did I learn?
Well, I learned that I have to schedule my time off and be firm with boundaries. It's a nebulous enough existence being the at-home parent so it's so easy to just drift .... a little sock needs picking up here, oh and 'I'll just prep these for tonight' there or 'while I'm in the mall I might as well look for x, y, z for the family too'. Boundaries!
I learned that there are certain things that cannot be abandoned, like childcare, parenting and matters of hygiene around the house!
I also learned that I needed to write a list of what I wanted to do with my leisure time and that this list did in fact work out OK.
I learned that I can have fun on a small budget, and that daily treats needn't be big, huge, lavish occasions. Small treat moments have the same impact. The important thing is to learn what these treats are and reward yourself regularly! V motivational.
I learned that not everyone has the ability to reward themselves with time off even though it's there right under their noses.


ahh relaxation!

Since my week off I've been back into the swing of things fulltime. The housework was there waiting for me when I 'returned', my craft business was still on the go, and volunteer duties needed to be filled. I've carried over some of that wonderful 'vacation' feeling into regular life by getting out and about every day rather than sitting cooped up (which is the main problem with an 'out of the home' worklife) so the Wee Guy and I have managed to fill his playdate void with some cool trips/activities. Taking some 'time off' has also let me focus on the bigger picture - I had headspace to ask (and answer) some tricky questions, and also to develop some streamlining techniques for 'in real life'.

I've looked more into what I value most, what I like/dislike about life right now, and where do I want to go. I've also faced the egocentricity of what I'm doing/thinking, realising that in fact everything I do/have done is in, around and in spite of the family anyway. Decisions made for me, myself, I are taken in total consideration of the Wee Guy anyway.

"We give our children life.  How, then, can we expect to keep our own intact afterward?  But we do.  We haven't yet recognized our new position in the natural order of things, and we keep trying to return to where we were before.  At first, out of innocence:  let me get back my looks.  let me get back my energy.  let me get back into the swing of things.  Then with ferocious will:  Let me get back into my life!" - Momma Zen by Karen Maezen Miller

"I find that there are many gifts in this space of quiet pausing between who I was, and who I will become." - Buddhism for Mothers, Joanne


"A mother best serves her child who serves herself." - Buddha  


with thanks to Mama Renew for the quotes above
 

capsule wardrobe challenge: the end

day five: all set for the rain


So I completed the wardrobe challenge!
Using only five main items of clothing (a Tshirt, a pair of jeans and a pair of capris, a sundress and a bright red cardi) I got thru the week ...... in questionable style.



That's all folks!


So what have I learned from the experience?

• Well, five items is not very much. Since I won't wear the same top again without washing it it I also had to practice strategic laundering. Maybe I should have cut down to only the jeans and the dress but the weather has been too variable to guess the depths of heat/cold to be experienced.
• Getting ready in the morning was much faster - I didn't waste as much time on selecting an outfit. However, the evening before and the strategic laundry planning did take more time than expected so I'm not sure if I gained at all.
• I was a little bored ..... the weather wasn't much help either.
• I don't consider throwing a vest into the mix as cheating - it's an undergarment.
• I'm not too good at accessorising with scarves - in fact I suck! Must do more homework on that one.
• I used my tripod to take some almost OK self portraits of each outfit - will definitely do this again.

Did I cheat?
Not really though I did make a subsitution halfway thru. My original choice included another T shirt but by Wednesday I was crying out for some colour so in came the red cardi (a good choice IMHO). No, I didn't get changed immediately after taking the day's photograph!


What will I take from the experience?
I think I will start planning my clothes for the next day as having an unhustled morning start was a luxury. I think I'll start being a bit more creative with my clothing choices and maybe making them multi-task more.



my week's wardrobe

What next?
Well, there are other documented wardrobe clothing challenges. The first one which springs to mind is Andrea Zittel's uniform projects where the artist makes a piece of clothing which is worn for a period of time. In one project dresses were made, each appropriate for a season and then worn for a period of six months. The exhibition I saw at Vancouver Art Gallery included her fibre uniform series which are made by directly felting wool into a dress form. By creating a uniform a lot of the choices, impositions and requirement for different outfit each day are removed. Her latest clothing project, smockshop, involves other artists interpreting her design into their own garment.


Another formidable project is MakeShift where only handmade clothing (including underwear, shoes, socks, coats etc.) will be worn for an entire year. The project has been running since September 2009 and the amazing wardrobe is being blogged.


Other challenges include little brown dress, in which the same handmade little brown dress was worn every day for a year, and a one year 100% recycled wardrobe project in which all clothing was sourced from within the same collection of clothes.


And the originator of this wardrobe challenge pledged a whole year of not buying new clothes ... and she succeeded.


So what next for me?
I've done A Week of Skirts (which got me out of a jeans/Tshirt/sweats rut) and started me thinking about pulling myself together appearance-wise. Could I wear the same dress for a week? - well, probably no as I have issues with underarm stinkiness and unnecessary loads of laundry. A Week of Trousers (that's pants to you N Americans) lacks impact but a Week of Formal Attire would be fun. I could wear some gorgeous dresses which currently rarely see the light of day due to my limited social life and I'm sure the other parents on the school run would be amused (community service). A Week of Thrift is a possible - wearing nothing but charity shop or upcycled items, including shoes but not knickers or bras (ewww) - and of course would earn me extra points on my Good Mother Chart.


Otherwise ....well, I have some lovely thrifted jeans I cannot wait to try in some new outfits, and a couple of items bought Friday from the Roots factory outlet sale ..... and there's a dress I rescued from my charity bag ...... and hopefully it will be summer soon ........ in fact I may just change outfits several times a day just for the hell of it.

friday forte: it's not me, it's you

dawn over the Burrard Inlet (yes, another weirdly sloping horizon shot)

About a year ago, I came to conclusion about my life.
About a year ago, I came to a painful conclusion about my life.
(bear with me)
About a year ago I painfully came to a painful conclusion about my life.

I painfully "lost it", smashed a very heavy plate on the dining table during our evening meal. The day had not been a good one. At the start of the day it looked like I might be able to make headway on an issue which quite honestly had been  ripping me apart for almost two decades. By the end of the day it was back to square one.

I marked the table.
Splinters flew off the plate, gouging the veneer on the piano lid.
Food splattered the sideboard.
I painfully gashed my left thumb deeply near a joint.
It bled ... a lot.
Boy, was I mad.
I went to bed mad and disappointed.
I got up less mad, more disappointed and still bleeding. My thumb ached under layers of pressure dressings.
It was a really dumb thing to do to myself :( - the next week I was due to teach a crafting class. Damaged digits and wire crochet don't mix.


still making pretty stuff a year ago

The thumb healed slowly, and so did I, realising that being mad and taking it out on myself was not the healthiest of options. Each time I got mad, I was a little madder. More than making me mad, dwelling on this issue was making me sick and literally stealing the life out of me. I didn't like the person I was becoming because of it. Enough was enough.

Realisation number two was that I couldn't change the issue itself. It wasn't something I had any control over. I couldn't 'make it better', I couldn't solve it. It was indeed out of my hands.

Realisation number three was that I could do something; I could change how I dealt with it. For the first time in many years I admitted to myself I had struggled enough, and gave myself permission to walk away from taking total responsibility. The issue was not mine anymore. My new focus was on minimising its impact on me and reclaiming my headspace.


making pretty flowers to wear

And since then? Well, with a few hiccups/valleys/troughs/deep dark wells of despair, I've stuck to my new approach and feel more content. Though I'm still immensely sad that this issue still greatly affects my life, I don't live permanently under a cloud. Instead of dwelling on how unfixable the issue is, I now look for workarounds which will work for me. Once I was worried that melancholy was 'the new me'; without getting all Pollyanna, happiness is much more de rigueur these days. I no longer feel like a moody, ranty, whining bitch (seriously) and thus want to re-connect with friends because I feel like I do have something to offer in return. This in turn has very positive effects on my mood. I feel more creative, more efficient, a better parent (!), and have much more energy.

It is early days still. Dark days do come, but they go too (and faster). I'm gradually turning my thinking from what I cannot fix, what is out of my hands (negative) onto what I can actually do (positive).

I don't feel so helpless, and more importantly, there are no new scars on my digits (unless the saw slips).


they're my fingers and I love 'em

friday forte: the luxurious and glamorous life of a SAHM

posh dress for evening work

I have no commute to work because it's there when I fall out of bed in the morning. I can get straight into whatever task there is without wasting hours in the day. Conversely there is no commute home at the end of the day and my work tends to follow me into the evening, in fact sometimes the evening is when I do my work. The demarcation between work and leisure is somewhat hazy unless firm steps are taken. It often follows me to bed too.


posh working wardrobe

I don't need a working wardrobe for er work. Anything will do as long as you can reach into a toilet, dishwasher, washing machine, internal workings of a vacuum cleaner, litter tray, freezer or small child's mouth while wearing it. Heels are in or out depending on how steep the hill is to the school pick up zone. Make up is optional (and slightly silly at times but a real boost just for heck of it). It is likely that on some days no one will see you anyway except for other parents at the school pick up zone. Occasional glam moments are required for school events other than pick up time. NB: neither the spouse nor the child should be embarrassed/frightened by your choice of attire, judicious use of leather/cleavage/nude jewelry to 'amuse' male teachers or other dads is wanton (but fun).

After prepping someone else's breakfast, lunch and schoolbag the day is my own. I can waft from laundry to housework to grocery shopping in a giddy haze of domestic tranquillity. Real life moments such as remembering an unpacked lunch or not having a clue about dinner frequently intrude; does mummy-brain continue much beyond the first 5 years? I guess it does. I do have time for my own 'business' but only after I've done/ignored the housework/meal prep/household admin and locked it in the boiler room. Somehow I must find time to schedule family social events - playdates are my responsibility so I chase up (working) mums to confirm dates, and I rustle up enthusiasm for arranging (yet another) date night with DH.

I answer to no one's schedule yet I find it difficult to call my time my own. It's not all busy, busy, busy - sometimes I have a nap, usually I have chocolate, occasionally I have gin. Most times I do remember school pick up in the afternoon. Then I wrangle a healthy snack/piano practice/entertainment/out-of-school activity/homework out of a strangely unwilling offspring who changes his mind frequently. To compensate,my mind now flits automatically, never staying on topic longer than a couple of minutes.


... and the nutritional value of a rejected meal is ....

In the evening I prepare yet another (rejected) healthy and nutritious meal.
Afterwards I balance the family budget with money I no longer earn and have no control over. Sometimes I pay myself an allowance so I don't feel guilty about buying a magazine; more usually I balance the budget and impose strict spending controls. It makes me feel uberpowerful. Towards bedtime I work on my own projects which I've picked up and put down during the day. I feel blessed that I can work without continuity and thrive on frequent interruption, if I can remember what I am doing.


another multi tasking moment: filing metal while pretending to watch Wee Guy during swim lessons (in reality watching Hunky Swim Instructor)

During any day I receive kisses, cusses, deaf ears, stale food, late returns and lists. I experience consciousness, daylight and strange smells often all at the same time. Euphoria is finding a product which is environmentally friendly yet removes soap scum without scrubbing. Job satisfaction is arranging the recycling in a pleasing manner or taking pleasure in a clean set of stairs until someone walks on them. Job appraisals are infrequent (usually negative) and feedback is frequent (usually negative). Summer arrives once the landscapers remove their shirts to mow the grass and housework seems to take a little longer on Fridays. Anticipation is a loaf in the bread machine, networking is a good wireless connection, spa time is conditioner in the shower, 'me time' is yet another day without talking to a living soul.
I can now ignore dust bunnies until a remote control car harvests them from under the sofa.


making an effort for the dusting

I laugh in the face of routine. I dance nimbly over job satisfaction. I whet my wit and mental agility on tidal bath rings.
I am a stay-at-home mum - hear me er weep roar!

friday forte: walking the walk? moving closer to my goal

Wee Guy waves 'surrender' on the annual family camping trip

It's Friday - nominally my 'day off' this week as my Summer Fun teens class ended yesterday (thank you, young ladies, I had a blast of a week in your company). So today I thought I would have some R 'n' R (that's rest and relaxation, not rock n roll or ribonucleotide reductase in clarification, though as a full-blooded mid-life woman a little of the former with the movie star of my choice would make the wish list too).

But it's also the day before the family camping trip ..... and all you stay-at-homes know what that means. Yes, I'll be swinging from my ankles sorting 'gear' into the various Rubbermaid storage totes for our trip and packing stuff for the Wee Guy (toys and all) ..... on my day off. This year is slightly different as we're going to a 'walk-in' site - I'm not sure what kind of walk-in (heck, I don't even know what time we're checking in) or what kind of distance is involved. I could go online and check up but It's Not Me Who Booked The Trip.


yes, i even have to file the cat

Somehow, being the Shut-In Stay-At-Home has brought the additional job title of Family Organiser. I apparently am responsible for a plethora (a great word - say it again with feeling, plethora) of administrative scheduling tasks ranging from out-of-school programming to date nights, encompassing pet vaccinations, house maintenance, sex and holiday packing, and ending up with the more mundane matters of spring cleaning/decluttering, watering the lawn and pet boarding. Oh and I run a great reminder service too (round here it's called Nagging Inc.). It's easy for a family holiday to turn into 'somewhere with a different kitchen, remembering all the things I forgot to pack or organise before we left home'.

Have you read "Equally Shared Parenting" by Marc and Amy Vachon? (link below - do buy it and swell my coffers). I've been dipping in and out as I trundle round the house. It's a fascinating peek into a world where parents do indeed share everything; the parenting, the housework, the outside work. It requires a huge shift in thinking away from traditional gender or parenting roles, and requires both sexes to re-imagine living together as parents. For instance, mums could no longer use motherhood as an excuse to avoid 'going out' to work (yes, I know that sounds harsh - please do read the book to see it in context)) and dads would have to open their minds to making domestic duties/childcare a priority in the old grey matter. The emphasis is on ample communication, as well as trust in the partner to make the sharing equal. In translation for a camping trip, this would not involve one parent making the booking then being nagged asked to check through the camping gear, leaving the other parent to arrange pet sitting, packing, re-packing the "organised" camping gear, contemplating transport of camping gear into a walk-in site, packing for the child, conjuring up a mini menu and selecting store cupboard items to take in a vacuum of information. It would involve discussion (not interrogation) followed by delegation (not automatic assumption) of tasks involved to make it A Family Holiday (goshdarnit).


nope, i don't understand it either!

It would also be a glorious run-through for what I'm contemplating next in my life as a mother ie. 're-entering the workforce' (yes, that phrase is totally dripping with sarcasm*- one bazillion points to whoever spotted it). There is no way I can ever imagine taking up paid employment and still have all the household/relationship/parenting/childcare/concierge duties solely on my plate. I'm not completely stupid/masochistic - adding to my workload has never been part of my career plan.

Neither has being a concierge, though I think I might be quite good at it.

PS: please do remind me to type out info sheets for the pet sitters.
k thnx bai  happy holidays :)

*not a wildly correct link, but a funny one nonetheless

So, what do you do all day?

cactus forest, originally uploaded by ebbandflo_pomomama.

Hmmm ... that's a bit of a thorny question to ask a SAHM who works from the home.

Maybe after my last themed blogging (Make It March, over on my "business" blog ie. the one that supposedly flogs my jewelry and handcrafting) I should introduce another idea to link together some posts.

Ladies, gentlemen and lurkers - I give you "what I really do all day".
Starting with yesterday ......

Yesterday was still Spring Break, or more technically Easter. I managed to convince the DH he would be better back at work (!) so only had the Wee Guy to entertain. After a leisurely breakfast and some inbox de-cluttering we headed off to Science World.

The whole of Vancouver was there, still on Easter break (their Spring Break was at the beginning of March). Mercifully the line ups were brief, threats issued only twice re: running off and being at the mercy of passing bogeymen (I believe in coercion, threats and fear when parenting in public) and the Wee Guy had a great time. He played with Every Single Exhibit Available. White Spot for lunch was less crowded than usual cos we ate while Bobs and Lolo were playing (a sneaky move, not premeditated but simply cos we got to the line up too late for each concert).

I love love love Science World. It is so entertaining, engaging, there's something new on tap at every turn ......... but each exhibit is a 30s only adventure for my Wee Guy. By the end of the second hour my head was reeling with his butterfly attention span flittings. Science World is great for kids but not so much for the adults with the kids. Boy, was it frustrating not being able to take in each exhibit at a leisurely pace.

But then that's what Science World After Dark is for (next one scheduled April 23rd - not a kid in sight!). What a great idea!

PS: for the rest of the day I cooked, cleaned, tidied, prepped for school and sent a few emails. Oh and I painted my toenails in the evening ( a nice shade of blue in case you were wondering).