Friday, September 17, 2010

friday forte: flop down

instruction manual for middle aged women
Mid life - where things start to flop down.

Mid Life Flop Downs and How To Avoid Them 
  1. Never More Than A Mouthful
    Don't struggle by trying to cram it all into one mouthful.  If you have an all-encompassing to-do list the sheer size of it can stop you dead in your tracks thus sparking Flop Down. Wisely prioritise bite-sized chunks to accomplish - for example, the last surface mailing dates for Christmas will be coming up soon (egads) so wrapping, writing cards, parceling and shipping will become priority, whereas Easter eggs, bikini waxing, and mending the puncture in the inflatable (NB: poss NSFW) will not. Just because you're in the second half of your life, there's no need to cram everything in there. Chill.

  2. Calories
    This kind of Flop Down routinely occurs mid afternoon (right about 'coming home from school time', funny that!) and is usually due to skipping lunch. While I am also trying to avoid the Midriff Flop Down common to mums aka muffin top (and the Buttocks Flop Down come to mention it), I feel it's only right to avoid the lack of energy kind too. Somehow I have to balance the calories to prevent one without leading to the other. Soup, fruit, veggies and almonds are featuring heavily in my plan of attack here.

  3. Taming the Beast
    An act of hair rebellion, suddenly it loses colour, texture and the ability to be anything but bad. Thanks to Jennyfer and some superb styling products I am avoiding this one ... so far! However, my genetic make up means I'm more likely to Frizz Out then Flop Down. I have two words - Morroccan Oil

  4. Adequate Support
    Saggy tits, admittedly a not particularly attractive version of Flop Down (but there are worse - see below, quite literally) but one that's worth juggling with. Regular trips to La Senza will help. Related to saggy butt and saggy knees, but more easily remedied. BTW, boys have problems with sagginess too, and age might not be a factor apparently.

  5. Surgery
    Yet another kind of Flop Down common to middle aged women - suddenly your jowls race to overtake your sagging tits to your disappearing waistline. There's not much I can do but sell enough jewelry to afford cosmetic surgery later on in life, exercise, and sleep on only one pillow.

  6. Dietary Tweaking
    Haemorrhoids - the ultimate in Flop Down, and a little gift from the pregnancy gods (thank you). Regular fibre, regular (and hopefully private) bathroom breaks and ..... it could be worse .... real or imaginary.

  7. Keeping It Going In The Bedroom
    Bedroom Flop Down can be incredibly frustrating and disappointing (believe me, I know all about this one) ..... but easily solved by a mattress upgrade (don't you just hate falling into an uncomfortable bed at night, then waking up in the wee small hours cos your aging bones are aching on a lumpy mattress?) A good night's sleep will leave you refreshed and ready to fight middle age Flop Downs for another day.

  8. A Spiritual Boost
    Spiritual Flop Down aka The Blah's can be due to numbers 2 or 7, or hormonal rebellion. Upping the spirits might help, in the form of wine, Amaretto, Kahlua or a nice Baileys on ice. Likewise exercise, frequent sex, chocolate and strawberries, funny films, hikes, shoes and gossip all help. If all else fails, please send George Clooney.

  9. Getting Down (on your knees) and Carpet Burn
    I have heard that yoga will keep one young, energised and flexible (and happy). I remain to be convinced - there is no way my dog is heading downwards. I will probably fall over which is not a good way of avoiding Flop Down IMO.

  10. A One-on-One Session With The Mister
    A regular session with your partner will keep things hot and heavy sweet and rosy - topics of conversation could include gravity, hair removal, finances, The Lifestyle, or pets. Communication is key to navigating mid life waters, and two minds are better than one when the memory starts to slide.

Never let a Flop Down stand in the way of a good mid-life crisis.


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