me and my pair of shaddocks
(and this could be a verrrrrrrrry looooooooong series of posts ..... just sayin')
OK, so my mama renew sessions have come to a close and I'm going to miss getting together with a simply awesome bunch of mamas on monday nights. If you want to know what we talked about .... then I suggest you sign up for your own sessions - what goes on at mama renew, stays at mama renew.
But usually the questions 'in class' begat more questions and ponderings and exploration so perhaps I'll have a wee peek at some of the issues I've been left musing over.
In our last class we were asked "what holds you back?" or words to that effect. Fear? Embarrassment? Lack of confidence? Inertia? Lack of time? Yes, well apart from lack of time (the usual culprit) what does hold me back from achieving my goals and attaining joy? I didn't answer - I knew only too well what it is that is holding me back and I didn't want to spoil the meeting by getting all ranty (I save this for the blog, dear reader) and then becoming all blotchy with crying (sometimes I just don't feel like becoming that raw in public, unless it's the pool and I can blame the chlorine).
I'm as good at self-sabotage as the next woman but what really holds me back from my goals and joy? It's knowing that it's all completely up to me. Once more it is all my responsibility to get something done. There's no one who can do it for me and no one who will step in with a master plan of organisation ...... and after spending what seems like a lifetime doing what seems like everything for everyone else I'm really getting tired of it .... so the thought of having to haul my butt in gear yet again, and even though it's for me this time, just doesn't fill me with enthusiasm.
Ever felt like that?
6 comments:
All the time, big sis, all the time. I think it's just called adulthood.
Mind you at least I don't have the dependent other to have to deal with too.
I know I've said this before, but the grass really isn't any greener on the other side of the fence - it's just a differnt kind of poo!
Yay, I can comment!
It is hard always being the responsible, organized, hard worker. Sometimes it really would be lovely to have someone do it for me. I can understand why you don't want to take that path YET AGAIN.
LOL yes you can comment (and a big thank you for bringing my non-comment status to my attention. grrrr blogger for 'switching me off')
But sigh! it's just so inevitable I will have to take that route again if i want to change anything. i'm a big enough girl (!) to know that the brave knight of career change is not going to trot up on his mighty charger to wave his magic lance ....
.... and oh boy, is that a mental image to conjure with! :)
LOL to the 'poo' comment too.
I've been asking around re: childcare issues as well as trying to puzzle out in my head what exactly it is I think I can do. Childcare round here sounds a nightmare. Yet another mum has had to let after school care go because the provider turned out to be not suitable (in fact just plain nasty) thus scuppering her work plans. Others mention how hard it is to get care to fit around or to get work to fit around etc etc etc. which leads me to believe that the only realistic way forward is self employment and therefore forging my own path as per the gripe in this post.
What I do know is certain is that I really do need some environmental enrichment, thus the search for something meaningful which will balance out the cost of after school care somehow.
The search is narrowing and the thoughts are a lot clearer but ofcourse, with the onset of The Summer Holidays (all 10 weeks of them, bless) any clairty of thought, word or action is thus scuppered for a while. We (the Wee Guy and I) have Other Plans :)
"but what really holds me back from my goals and joy? It's knowing that it's all completely up to me."
Yes! believe me, these words do get spoken out loud in Mama Renew groups. i know them well myself. I live with this one on a daily basis. It is all completely up to me and I find that to be perhaps my biggest challenge - simply owning where I am, and taking full responsibility for moving forward.
blessings,
Sarah
http://www.mamarenew.ca
Thanks for commenting Sarah (I have linked to mama renew in my next monday post btw) and thanks for visiting.
It's a big obstacle to overcome - sometimes as mums we do everything for everyone else in the home/family first so that at the end of the day the energy is just all spent.
There's also the sheer emptiness and injustice of knowing that along with doing for others there seems to be no one pulling equally on your side. Sometimes it feels like a grieving process to be gone thru before the big girl pants are pulled back out of the pile (and I'm not talking about the raddled old maternity knicks or perished 'below the scar' C-section comfortables - i'm talking suitably classy, elegant and possible traffic-stopping lingerie) and Get On With It.
PS: I updated my resume this weekend (mr ebb looked after the Wee Guy) and put in a job application ......... whew!
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