Monday, June 22, 2015

midlife monday: life could be sweeter ...

... and I'm in a hurry to get there.

This time last year I was in the midst of keeping the house ripe for sale. Somehow, all of the process fell to me - the nagging to keep it clean, the packing, the compartmentalisation of goods for rental or for storage, the coordination, facilitation, decluttering - mysteriously, only I was capable. I packed twice; I unpacked only once. I learned my lesson, but it nearly broke me.

I have never felt so utterly exhausted, so spent, so empty as I have in the last year. This year started with preparations to move house, continued through moving twice, to renovations, a massive decorating project that I completed myself in a weekend, and then more disruption with flooring. Work-wise, with a new client, a college class, regular writing work and domestic stuff, I've just had to keep going. There hasn't seemed to be a break where I could catch a breath.

At the end of 2014, when we moved at last into our sweet rental after the chaos of packing, storage, selling, buying, I had serious worries about my health. Nothing that I could pinpoint, but a vague feeling that I was getting old ... fast. Luckily, that feeling hasn't come back but I've noticed how tired I am, and I've taken notice.

I'm not willing to run around after the boys as much as I have done. They're old enough to cope themselves, and if they can't then they can do without.
I've set up my nest; since home decor is something that apparently matters only to me, I'm concentrating on the areas that matter most to me.
I've unpacked the things that matter to me.
I'm not chasing around making the house beautiful, since it's only me that cares about what the place looks like anyway - I will save my energy.

In the last week, I squeezed in lunch with a friend and took myself out for an evening - it felt good :) Somehow I hung on to a Friday night art class though I wasn't very productive.
I squeezed out the time to take part in a school trip with my son.

I have another three weeks of full-time-for-me hours to pack in somehow, and then I reduce my hours to run alongside my son's holiday routines. College finished on Saturday; I only have a couple of tasks for the artist cooperative; I have no plans for major projects ... except for spending some time looking after myself. My waistline is spreading and I need to get fitter; I haven't caught up with friends in ages; leisure moments seem few and far between - these I need to fix.

I've enabled my husband's bike rides, fitness classes and drinks with friends - I need to start doing the same for myself.
I matter to me and I shouldn't neglect what I care for any longer.

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