Friday, May 06, 2011

friday forte: young and perky, not

Oh why I must get so unsettled the day after my first college class? Is it because I spent the evening in the company of young, perky bright young things who knew what the teacher was on about? Or is it because they all project this unfallible air of confidence? I'm sure not all of them know where they're going but they're just so ... young. It's that 'time on your side' thing again.

Or do I just envy them the relative simplicity of their lives, unencumbered by childcare, family, doubts, and age? Then I remember all the doubts, anxiety, etc etc etc that plagued my life at that age and sigh. Life was difficult then too, but different. I still envy the straightforwardness of their path though. Once I've psyched myself up to even consider employment or plucked up the courage to ask about it, considered childcare arrangements, cast aside ten years of unemployment and reminded myself that once upon a time I was a capable human being, wondered about logistics (domestic and work) and convinced myself that part-time is feasible, I'm crushed under the sheer weight of it all. I really do long for the days when all I had to worry about was two cats.

But then I don't (see above). All I wish is that life were a little easier once in a while so I could catch a breath, land an opportunity, and be a good contented mother for once. I'm finding it exhausting trying to support myself and stay positive.

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