Sunday, January 22, 2023

dear universe

 dear universe.....

dear universe - please send me a boyfriend for valentine's day.

the thought of being on my own--yet again-- on this day especially hurts more than most. the empty weekends, the times i've filled with being busy, the solo excursions, the dates with myself all pale into insignificance when i think about feb 14 and being solo.

last feb 14 was my first truly solo, i guess. i was the only single person at ballroom dance classes - the husbands (average age around 75y!) all pity-danced with me that night. it was sweet, sad, sweet - i took myself off for a bravery ice cream, by myself.

and cried. lots.

last year, i thought i had a boyfriend, only he said nothing about valentine's day. in fact he'd be absent unexplainedly a lot -- i later found out he had a longterm girlfriend already so his priorities were her -- for holidays, weekends, birthdays, valentine's day...

so dear universe - please send me someone. this year, i'm more than ready to be somebody's person. more than ready to be somebody's default - for birthdays, for weekends, for vacations, for february 14...and they would be my default too

dear universe

Monday, December 26, 2022

starting over

 Starting over, in more ways than just one.

  • Back to blogging - journaling, telling it all and getting down the words.
  • Newly solo - yes, we did separate.
  • Pot-pandemic-ness we got thru it an are still in some ways going thru it.
  • Back to fulltime work
If you read between the lines over the years, the news that I split from mr ebb should be no surprise. By our 25th wedding anniversary I could no longer celebrate the emptiness and loneliness of almost thirty years of profound emotional neglect. On reflection it was much easier to leave the violent and physically abusive relationship inflicted on me and my ribs in my early twenties than it has been to leave a relationship built on abscence. Reframing mr ebb's behaviour towards me -- his emotional indifference,  his avoidance and belittling of my needs and issues raised -- as abusive helped me take the next step.

What 30 years has left me with though is cPTSD. It left me feeling that I was not worthy - simultaneously not enough but also too much - not valuable enough to be cared for emotionally or intimately, and too needy to be functional. And it has taken a lot of this first year separated to make any sort of progress and feel that I am actually enough, and that I am valuable and worthy of being loved.

However, it does make dating really difficult. Feeling that I have no value as a human being not only makes it really difficult for me to be anyone's friend (why would they want me?) but it also makes me believe I'm not good enough to deserve love, attention or decent behaviour. My default feeling is therefore profound gratitude when paid any attention rather than sizing up the date in front of me as compatible or not. I've made mistakes; dating after a 30 year gap is hard! 

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

social distancing d3

social distancing or stay in bed
Such odd disconnected times--waiting for the inevitable but not sure when it's arriving--I feel like i should write.
Something or anything.
Catalogue the days.
As they go by.


...but not out of beer, thanks to Moody Ales now delivering for free
within Port Moody for orders above $20 :)
We are out of soy sauce, Worcester sauce, lime juice ... or almost.
I haven't used them in a while but somehow, right now seems the right time to use them.

We're at home. Self isolating and social distancing and waiting...

Stay safe; stay healthy; #staythefuckhome

Friday, November 08, 2019

daily snapshot: November 08, 2019 at 10:00AM

Trying something new today. If you peek closely you might just spot my new Trekz Air buds. Now that I've got them to fit comfortably, bone conduction is definitely the way to enjoy music and podcasts on the go with unilateral deafness :) #i2f thanks to John for my birthday gift xxx
from instagram

Sunday, October 27, 2019

daily snapshot: October 27, 2019 at 06:30PM

Amazed I got out for a run this afternoon. This week has been intense, with (sorry this is all rather cryptic but it's not really my story to tell) a wait list opening up for sooner rather than later leading to reduced hours for work filtered by catching up all weekend, masses of documents to prepare, emotional intensity off the scale, and snatched moments to recharge. I have huge gratitude to my wonderful manager at work for easing the load, to work colleagues who didn't know but we're still a big support, to the chap in the photocopy shop who made it all a lot easier, that amazing cafe, today's squirrel for cheering me on, and of course my son who is just pure awesomeness 💓 And now we wait.
from instagram

Saturday, October 26, 2019

daily snapshot: October 26, 2019 at 04:07PM

This might be finished #oilpainting #artistsoninstagram #i2f #gallebb
from instagram

Saturday, October 19, 2019

daily snapshot: October 19, 2019 at 03:58PM

TGIF celebrating Marble Slab-style. My (not so) Wee Guy and I have been celebrating Fridays since middle school and before that, we used to have regular Friday "date nights" together. I am very proud to say that now he's a master of seizing the moment and celebrating the small and large moments in life with style. #i2f
from instagram
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