Monday, June 02, 2014

midlife monday: more than afloat

science in action

Almost a month without blogging, she notes wryly. Social media communicator eh? Digital explorer? Pah!
But I'm still here. No news, as I was told recently, is good news so don't fear the worst.

Midlife is looking good these days. I don't think much has changed materially, but I'm getting more out of it as I slip closer to end of a fifth decade. I still feel like I'm surrounded by confusion, that I'm peering through it and almost dwarfed by what's going on around me.However, now I feel noticed. I feel like I'm making my mark - a very small indent into the world around me, rather than just sucking up the pokes.

What's the difference?
Firstly, I think that being paid to write is having the most effect. When I sit at my keyboard and tap out 500 words or so, it makes a difference out there. All the classes, blogging, social media exploration and so on is finally paying off. Enough of a difference to receive payment and be noticed. I'm both gobsmacked and incredibly grateful that my words mean something to someone else, that they are of value. Of course, this only makes sense if you've also gone through a period of questioning the value of what you do, of not being paid or being unable to work. So far, each month in the last year has been like the first time I ever got paid for work - the first babysitting, the first part-time job, the first full-time position ... all incredibly meaningful to me and probably me alone.

Secondly, I've stopped the busywork. I no longer stay busy just to blot out the emptiness. Again, nothing has changed dramatically but I now value my down time as much as I value being productive. I don't measure myself against how much I do in a day - I listen to how I feel at the end of that day instead. And right now, it's OK.

I'm also much more confident that I can - I've withdrawn from the doubters who clutter my head with
expressions of concern that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm perfectly capable of convincing myself that I'm under-qualified, incompetent, not good enough, a fraud and imposter ... except that now I don't - I give it my best shot, and that's been good enough so far.

So I'm still here - still writing, still parenting the most incredible Wee Guy and still married to the fantastic mr ebb. I'm possibly stretching the midlife thing a bit far these days but honestly, I don't feel older. I've got just over a year to come up with another nifty blogging title but until then, midlife monday it stays.

PS: If you really want the day-by-day then head over to Instagram - that's where the snaphosts, the odd thoughts and the daily pussy go now, and thanks to some nifty IFTTT action, the images even upload automatically to Flickr. 
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