Monday, December 26, 2022

starting over

 Starting over, in more ways than just one.

  • Back to blogging - journaling, telling it all and getting down the words.
  • Newly solo - yes, we did separate.
  • Pot-pandemic-ness we got thru it an are still in some ways going thru it.
  • Back to fulltime work
If you read between the lines over the years, the news that I split from mr ebb should be no surprise. By our 25th wedding anniversary I could no longer celebrate the emptiness and loneliness of almost thirty years of profound emotional neglect. On reflection it was much easier to leave the violent and physically abusive relationship inflicted on me and my ribs in my early twenties than it has been to leave a relationship built on abscence. Reframing mr ebb's behaviour towards me -- his emotional indifference,  his avoidance and belittling of my needs and issues raised -- as abusive helped me take the next step.

What 30 years has left me with though is cPTSD. It left me feeling that I was not worthy - simultaneously not enough but also too much - not valuable enough to be cared for emotionally or intimately, and too needy to be functional. And it has taken a lot of this first year separated to make any sort of progress and feel that I am actually enough, and that I am valuable and worthy of being loved.

However, it does make dating really difficult. Feeling that I have no value as a human being not only makes it really difficult for me to be anyone's friend (why would they want me?) but it also makes me believe I'm not good enough to deserve love, attention or decent behaviour. My default feeling is therefore profound gratitude when paid any attention rather than sizing up the date in front of me as compatible or not. I've made mistakes; dating after a 30 year gap is hard! 

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